The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
