I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
