morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
