I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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