You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
