i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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