Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
