wanna go halves on a baby?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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