in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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