my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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