So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
