Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
