i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
