well you can't waste a boner
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
