bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
