Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
