based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
