It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
