you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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