we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
