i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
