How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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