my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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