I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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