It's like a parade of train wrecks.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
