"it" just moved
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
