oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
