He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
