and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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