I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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