I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
