I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
