i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
