omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
