i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
