He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
