my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
