I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
