After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
