WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
