I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
