How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
