So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
