walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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