Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
