you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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