Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
