I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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