You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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