I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
