Already got asked if we're dating
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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