I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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