also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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