My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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