my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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